One morning we set out on our usual journey around the track! This time I committed to six laps no matter how long it took. I had no idea I was about to flashback to the moment I experienced my second chance at life.
Everything felt the same until we entered the final lap. My heart started to race, my nose began to tingle, and tears filled my eyes as my mind zoomed back to one of the biggest turning points in my life.
This turning point was just before our first son turned two. My then fiancé and I were in a rough spot. I had made a few mistakes and decided at the time that separation was the best choice for us. If we were meant to be together we’d find our way back to each other.
The following eight months were some of the best and worst months of my life. I went out drinking every weekend while Lukas was with his dad. I had sex with almost any guy who would give me the time of day. Every day, I smoked a pack of cigarettes. I cried every night with no idea what I wanted in life. I was lost and the only person who could save me was me.
One night while at the bar, someone said something about me that pushed me to my limits. I decided I didn’t want to suffer from my past, and the present, and I definitely didn’t want to carry anything into the future.
I jumped in my vehicle, slammed the door, and turn the key on. I put both hands on the steering wheel and stared off into the distance in front of me as my vision blurred out and went internally. It was almost as if I had closed my eyes and entered a very vivid nightmare.
This was it.
I threw my vehicle into gear and my heart started pounding. I stomped on the accelerator and kept it pushed to the floor. My speed was climbing quickly, fifty, sixty, seventy, I had made it out of town. Eight, ninety, one hundred, the thoughts began to flood my mind, “Am I going fast enough to do any damage? What if nothing happens and I just end up with some broken bones? Is this really going to work?” The speed was still climbing, one hundred and five, one hundred and ten, one hundred and twenty.
At that moment, I saw my grandparent’s house where my son was staying.
Instantly, my vision became clear, I lifted my foot off the accelerator and put it on the floor. I gasped in relief as I realized I had a second chance at life and began searching for my phone. The first person that came to mind was Nathan. Thankfully, he answered right away. I filled him in on where my mind was at and he headed my way. Usually, his trip would have taken forty-five minutes, this time it only took thirty.
I was afraid of what he was going to do when he saw me. I didn’t know what to say. I was mentally and emotionally drained. When I arrived back home he was already there waiting for me. I got out of my vehicle and he walked over to me and wrapped me in the biggest hug I had ever experienced. I finally let go of the anger and progressed to sadness. I was sad that I thought leaving this world would have been better for my family, my friends, and most importantly my son. I was sad that I let the pain win for even a fraction of the time it took to get out of town. I was sad that I was ready to give up on ME.
If I would have given up on myself in 2014, I wouldn’t be here today to enjoy all five of our small humans. I wouldn’t be here to share my story to be able to help others see that life gets better. I wouldn’t be here today to even think about getting healthy again.
There are so many things I would have missed out on in the years to come. I had no idea what was to come. Needless to say, I’m grateful for my second chance at life.
When I set out on my health journey this time I set different kinds of goals. This time, I didn’t want to set any weight loss goals. I wanted to walk without expectations of how far I had to go. The only goal on my mind was to release the different identities I carried with me for way too long.
My second chance at life has proved to be far more valuable than I ever thought possible.
I am no longer the me I used to be. Shoot, I’m not even the version of me I was yesterday. I am changing every minute of every day and I have the ability to be, do, or have anything I want.
One moment no longer gets to decide how the rest of the day plays out. Only I can do that and I will until I’m no longer here to make the world a better place.
If you’re someone who’s in a dark place, you don’t have to suffer alone.
I am a safe space for people to open up and share anything and everything they have going on in their minds. Nothing is too small or unimportant. You are not a bother or a burden. If you are struggling, please reach out.
If you’re not ready to reach out, but need a little boost at the moment, check out this episode on the Mental Detour Tangents Podcast!